Let us deck the freaking halls, because as my title suggests, I have a love hate relationship with the holidays. I know blunt, but I do. The holidays bring on some major struggles.
I want to please everyone, but I also need to please myself. I love family, family is the best thing ever, and it is totally free! (I also married into a great one, so a double win for me) Visiting with my extended family, friends who are basically family, what better way to bring warmth into your heart this holiday season. But since my kids were born, especially my sweetest London, I have been struggling.
Silently and sometimes not so silently, I have talked about my struggle.
My anxiety left from our brief NICU stay. The scare of the unknown and the sight of all those tubes and ivs connect to her little body. Aching from the c-section and trying to stay strong because I was alone most of our hospital stay. It’s a sight and thought I NEVER EVER want to see again. Though her stay was merely routine to the doctors and nurses, to me, it was much more. The scare it left is real. It was gut wrenching, heart breaking and so confusing. And now, I am left with terrible postpartum anxiety. Anxious that just one sneeze could end up being RSV or the Flu. I am worried. I am terrified. I am so scared to see her or my son in the PICU. And with the holiday rolling in and the cold weather bringing on even more germs…I am basically a ball full of anxiety.
I wish this wasn’t me, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up one day better, but this is me, this is my battle right now. To some, I might seem like a freak, but to others, you hear me and thank you. My husband knows all to well that I am in constant panic anytime someone comes over, we leave the house or whatever the adventure may be.
While I am obsessing over the holiday decor at Target, I am also closely listening for sniffles and coughs around me. If I do go to stores, I am going at a random hour. I only make brief appearances at parties in an attempt to lessen my germ exposure. I back out of prior commitments upon learning that someone at the event has a cold or if anyone else in their house is sick. I am texting my family for health updates, wondering if we will have to back out or seclude ourselves away from illness at the holiday party. I am worried. It is a tricky game to play during this time of year, and the hardest reality is grasping that this is just the beginning of a few long and stressful months ahead.
So, my love hate relationship with the holidays, since I now see things in terms of germs, a weird perspective to even write about, you can probably guess where I am going with this. Each person…germs, each hug…germs, each time someone hints on cuddling my kids…a panic attack ensues. I am most comfortable with only my husband and I holding our daughter at parties. I would hold both honestly, but Parker is a toddler who likes his independence. It is so pathetic. I am so embarrassed that I even think like this. What is wrong with me, right.
I know all to well, kids, they get sick, adults, we get sick. It just happens and most of the time it is usually a 2 week battle and then back to normal. I know this, my sons been sick, heck i’ve been sick pregnant with both kids and once since the birth of my daughter and I know my future holds many more colds. Why am I scared, I don’t know. It just comes on out of no where. It hits me like a hurricane and I am flooded with emotions.
So family, friends, if you are reading this, I am so sorry. If I am distant, acting weird and or protective, I am battling something. Never forget that I am so blessed that you are apart of my life and this minor blimp will someday just be a silly memory. So all I ask is, be patient with me. Wash your hands, always ask before playing with my kids. If your sick, wear a mask, especially if you have to go out, there are so many children and adults who are immune compromised and going to Target with a common cold might seem harmless to you, but you can be risking someone else’s life.
My new friends, Hi, how are ya? I’m so glad you are following along this journey of mine that is motherhood. It is weird, huh? I never thought this would be me, but here I am, spilling my deepest embarrassment to the internet. Just a mama behind a computer with some thoughts. I hope you continue to read and support me. My content is not normally this, but this has been building up inside, and me sharing is a coping method. My intention here is not to offend anyone, or preach anything, these are just simply my thoughts.
Happy holidays everyone, from my family to yours! Have a holly jolly one!